I was thinking of what a typical day in the life of a professional NHL hockey player must be like. After a few moments of brainstorming, I came up with this.

9 AM: I just arrived at the hotel greeted by 30 autograph hounds. Signed for one hot chic and left for the hotel room. I swear some of these guys have been here before!?!

9:30 AM: I just put on a mask and a mullet wig and ate breakfast at the hotel restaurant.

9:15 AM: I got a call from the wife. My kid got suspended at school. Some kid told him his dad was a Douche.

9:45 AM: I left through kitchen door to get back to hotel room. Sous Chef asked me to sign his henkel knives. WTF?

9:50 AM: Called Room service for an extra pillow to room 765.

10 AM: Received pillow with request to sign one of the feathers. Fan wants to stick it in his Fedora? WTF

10:30 AM: Time to board the team bus for practice.  Oh man who crop-dusted the bus?

11:00 AM: The Bus driver asked the team to sign the team flag for his son. Scribbled “Eat a D” on lower left corner.

12:00 PM: Power Shake for lunch, interview with TSN.  Repeat same mantra in a few different ways. “Team Unit, make sure our D is solid, clear pucks out of the crease area, take no penalties, have an effective PK. Shut down their top line” did I miss anything? He asked me to sign the microphone for his wife.  WTF? How do you sign a sponge?

1:00 PM: Nap time. Received 17 texts for free tickets to tonight’s game. Received 10 phone calls asking if I was happy that I was being mentioned in a potential trade rumour.  “Eat a D people”

3:00 PM: Woke up to a loud crash at the door. An Upper Deck agent came to remind me to sign 1000 stickers by Friday. Told him I gave them to the Topps agent. Watched them scrap it out. Anyone got popcorn?

4:00 PM: Fire up computer. Everyone’s talking about how bad my game was last night. I guess it doesn’t matter that my pop is in the hospital. Do you have a bad day at work? Give me a break.

4:30 PM: Pre game meal: Gawd this tastes like ****. Wish I could eat Burger King

5:30 PM: Get ready for the game. Just did an Interview with ESPN. They don’t know **** about hockey. Is she talking about baseball?  Nice rack.

6:00 PM:  In the dressing room. Mailman just dropped a satchel of TTM requests. Asked my brother to sign my letters while I take a ****. Coach just asked us to treat this mail satchel like the dip **** on the other team. Anyone got a recycling box? Made the rookies pick up the pieces of scrap paper.

7:00 PM: Game time. Went out for the pre game skate. Just saw a sign that says “ Will you marry me”.  God she is bugly.

10:00 PM: Game over, seven stitches above the eye. Knee feels like a truck ran over it. Another interview with Sportsnet. Asked me how I felt about the game. Wanted to stab reporter in the eye. Repeat mantra “ We needed to play for 60 minutes”

10:30 PM: Headed for Team bus. **** that is the same guy I saw this morning asking me to sign more autographs. I signed “Douchebag” on 10 of his 15 photo’s. I wonder if he can decipher my signature?

11:00 PM: Groupies at the airport. Can’t any of them be good looking for once?

2 AM: Arrived home.  18 phone calls about signing stickers for Panini. Stubbed my toe on a box from Upper Deck marked urgent. I wonder if throw this into the snow bank it will make a nice snowboard ramp for my son.Coach blasted us for the game tonight. Practice at 8 AM, ****.

3:00 AM: Who the **** is that peeking in my window? Dial 911 and grab hockey tape and stick. I am gonna top shelf that *****.

This is meant to be purely tongue-in-cheek.